I've been running. Just in case you were beginning to wonder, I have been hitting the pavement. Melissa and I have been going weekday mornings at 6, and it's been great. Well, as great as it can get when you are a complainer like I. Yep, that's right. I complain. Too much, actually. This morning, as I was feeling completely lame due to my performance on the track this morning, I realized why it is that I complain. I complain because it is what I have always done. If you recall from my very first post, I am a hardcore quitter. A quitting addict. A quitter extraordinaire. Even now, I am grabbing at straws to complete all of the work for my online class that ends in TWO DAYS. And trust me, there is more than two days worth of work due... and all the while I am still tempted to throw in the towel and just quit the class... What's the matter with me?! It's like I have this quitters poison pumping through my veins, and inevitably I will reach the point of no return... and no completion. Sigh. Sometimes I suck. Ok, so all of that leads me to my thought this morning. I have been running for quite a few months now, and I haven't quit yet... now don't get too excited, there is a "but" coming... BUT I HAVE succeeded in backing out of two of the three races I've planned. So, as I train for yet another race, and my biggest yet, I am really being challenged by my old ways. It's almost as if I have a little voice quietly telling me with every stride that it's not going to amount to anything because I'm never going to get there. Stupid voice! You suck! Guys, I desperately don't want to be a quitter. Thankfully, my running companion has no qualms about yelling at me to keep it going and get my butt up by her. Going forward, into tomorrow, my goal is to push. Push and know that it is worth it. Push against my old ways and into new, liberating habits. Habits of a marathon runner. Apparently only 1% of American's run marathons... at least thats what I've been told. And I WILL be part of that 1%. Pray for me, if you read this. Pray that I won't be a baby. Because I have proved to myself in other areas of life that I am strong. Strong of heart. Now I just want to be strong of mind.
I've begun journaling again. Putting my cries down on paper. It helps, by some strange magical way, allow me to feel progress. To feel like I am going somewhere down this road of change and improvement. Actually, not improvement, because that makes it seem as though there is something wrong with me currently. Betterment, how about that? We can all become better than what we are now.
"Lord, I am currently standing at a crossroads, and I desperately choose You. Take my selfishness, pride, impulse and addiction. I do not need them. I need You." "I am certain that I will see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be encouraged and let your heart be strong. Wait for the Lord" (Psalm 27:13)
My selfishness: choosing my desires over what is good. Over what is pleasing not only to Him but to this body He has entrusted to me.
My pride: thinking that I've got it. I know how to do this thing called "life". I know how to be "healthy" while diving into a bucket of sugar cookies time and time and time and TIME again. Pride.
My impulse: underneath my seemingly "good" personality lies an extremely impulsive woman. A cookie here, $40 there... impulsiveness makes me feel alive-for a matter of seconds. Impulsiveness makes me feel guilt- for hours and sometimes days.
My addiction: to selfishness, pride and impulse. To quitting. To doing what I want, regardless of whom it hurts- myself included.
This is it, dear friends. You may not have signed on for this much reality, but I just hit you with it. And now I will hit you with this:
"I am certain that I will see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living."
Push yourself with me, let's see how far we can go.
Peace, love and believing you're worth it