Well well

I've been running. Just in case you were beginning to wonder, I have been hitting the pavement. Melissa and I have been going weekday mornings at 6, and it's been great. Well, as great as it can get when you are a complainer like I. Yep, that's right. I complain. Too much, actually. This morning, as I was feeling completely lame due to my performance on the track this morning, I realized why it is that I complain. I complain because it is what I have always done. If you recall from my very first post, I am a hardcore quitter. A quitting addict. A quitter extraordinaire. Even now, I am grabbing at straws to complete all of the work for my online class that ends in TWO DAYS. And trust me, there is more than two days worth of work due... and all the while I am still tempted to throw in the towel and just quit the class... What's the matter with me?! It's like I have this quitters poison pumping through my veins, and inevitably I will reach the point of no return... and no completion. Sigh. Sometimes I suck. Ok, so all of that leads me to my thought this morning. I have been running for quite a few months now, and I haven't quit yet... now don't get too excited, there is a "but" coming... BUT I HAVE succeeded in backing out of two of the three races I've planned. So, as I train for yet another race, and my biggest yet, I am really being challenged by my old ways. It's almost as if I have a little voice quietly telling me with every stride that it's not going to amount to anything because I'm never going to get there. Stupid voice! You suck! Guys, I desperately don't want to be a quitter. Thankfully, my running companion has no qualms about yelling at me to keep it going and get my butt up by her. Going forward, into tomorrow, my goal is to push. Push and know that it is worth it. Push against my old ways and into new, liberating habits. Habits of a marathon runner. Apparently only 1% of American's run marathons... at least thats what I've been told. And I WILL be part of that 1%. Pray for me, if you read this. Pray that I won't be a baby. Because I have proved to myself in other areas of life that I am strong. Strong of heart. Now I just want to be strong of mind.

I've begun journaling again. Putting my cries down on paper. It helps, by some strange magical way, allow me to feel progress. To feel like I am going somewhere down this road of change and improvement. Actually, not improvement, because that makes it seem as though there is something wrong with me currently. Betterment, how about that? We can all become better than what we are now.

December 12th,
"Lord, I am currently standing at a crossroads, and I desperately choose You. Take my selfishness, pride, impulse and addiction. I do not need them. I need You." "I am certain that I will see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be encouraged and let your heart be strong. Wait for the Lord" (Psalm 27:13)

My selfishness: choosing my desires over what is good. Over what is pleasing not only to Him but to this body He has entrusted to me.

My pride: thinking that I've got it. I know how to do this thing called "life". I know how to be "healthy" while diving into a bucket of sugar cookies time and time and time and TIME again. Pride.

My impulse: underneath my seemingly "good" personality lies an extremely impulsive woman. A cookie here, $40 there... impulsiveness makes me feel alive-for a matter of seconds. Impulsiveness makes me feel guilt- for hours and sometimes days.

My addiction: to selfishness, pride and impulse. To quitting. To doing what I want, regardless of whom it hurts- myself included.

This is it, dear friends. You may not have signed on for this much reality, but I just hit you with it. And now I will hit you with this:

"I am certain that I will see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living."

Push yourself with me, let's see how far we can go.


Peace, love and believing you're worth it

S-W-E-A-T

Sweat. I found out, for the first time in my life, that it actually can begin to bead up and drip off of my skin. I owe this recent discovery to spin class and the hard a$* awesome teacher that teaches it. There is nothing like a tightly squeezed room full of sweaty people yelling "up" loudly with every up of a push up, while the teacher continues to tell us that we're just warming up... (even though we've been riding hard for 35 minutes of the hour long class). Pure awesome-ness is what it is. I have this cute little green towel that I got in Germany that I keep in my gym bag for "drip" duty on my sweaty days, but I think it's about time I retire that bad boy... It's really not cutting it, I'm sorry to say. I am looking forward to investing in a Sport Towel from Norwex, because I think that will do a much better job of cleaning up the nasty.

Before spin started I went to pay the treadmill a visit for some interval action. I truly enjoy doing those. Fortunately for me, my elderly brain forgot that the incline was supposed to be at 12%, so I ended up spending all but the last interval at an incline of 7%... shucks. It was still hard, and it still made me sweat and breath heavily. Therefore it was a success.

Seeing as I have a short time before "T-Day", it is crunch time... I am upping the ante and trying to be strict with my sugar and dairy intake... so why is it that up until two days ago, I had no issues with this... then all of a sudden, BAM! I want sugar every five seconds! Ok, not every five seconds, just right when I get done with a workout, mostly. Sometimes the cravings are almost unbearable... and I have no food in my house, so I usually end up getting a small spoon and dipping into the peanut butter jar (don't worry, I eat the natural stuff). Does someone want to come monitor my eating habits? I'd appreciate it.

Well tomorrow I'm running, and I can't wait. I'm also going to the grocery store... I'm almost out of peanut butter. Shame shame.

peace, love & peanut butter

Cupcakes and Nerves

Well tomorrow is the big day... my first ever race. Granted it is only a 5k, but I decided tonight, that I have to stop belittling the race, just because it's not a marathon or something. I've never done one before, and three miles is a significant distance for one such as myself. Either way, my week of running has been slightly disappointing, so I am just hoping to get through tomorrow with a good attitude, and not tooooo high of a heart rate.

Additionally, I made some cupcakes today, and I hate to admit that I indulged myself a little too much. I recently adorned my pantry door with a cartoon drawing of a bag of C&H sugar, knocked out in the corner of a boxing ring. I've been empowered lately with the reality that the longer I let my addiction to sugar get to me, the longer I am living my life defeated by a food that is depleting my quality of life. This cartoon accompanied me through my first two days, and now I can look at it every time I feel the desire to eat an unnecessary sweet. Well, today as I baked my cupcakes and missed my husband an extreme amount, I decided it to be the best idea to lick the batter bowl clean, and then to taste test some of the cupcakes. Dang it... stupid sugar bag won out today.

Praying for tomorrow, for the ability to push myself, mentally and physically, and for the perspective to see the victories.

Peace, love & compression bras


(& an occasional cupcake)